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SACRED 2: FALLEN ANGEL REVIEW

THE SHITTIEST RPG I HAVE EVER PLAYED **SPOILER ALERT**

I purchased SACRED 2: FALLEN ANGEL in ‘95 to spend some quality virtual time with my friend Gremio. As Baldur’s Gate fans and PS3 owners it was the only option. Me and Gremio enjoy playing as sexy women. Some people say that makes us gay. Well I say it makes YOU gay to play with your beefcake fighter and run around shirtless in Ancaria (the magical world you explore in SACRED 2: FALLEN ANGEL).

Anyway, SACRED 2: FALLEN ANGEL had three Anita Blonde looking bitches to choose from. I’m not sure what the classes are. Gremio’s shot arrows and shit, mine had a sword.  I am comfortable with the fact that all female characters, whether townspeople or heroines, look like pornstars in these games (anyone remember the bar maids in Baldur’s Gate? a dude must have spent a week working on those titty physics).

Now certainly we would prefer to create our own ladies (like in Weird Science) but basically Final Fantasy VII ruined things a long time ago and it’s the status quo in a console role playing game to have the characters all premade for you. At least we got to choose base characters.

Playing online was a horrid stutter fest. When our mics worked properly I asked Gremio if he had some sort of teleportation spell he was using. He did not. It was not worth playing co-op online. It was sad, because we wanted a game to play through together without 13 year olds annihilating us and laughing at us and calling us gay.

Still it had sucked me in. I could play it offline, I mused. I had my ridiculously proportioned seraphim warrior and it was a bit of fun to walk about Ancaria destroying all creatures that dared stray before the path of my stilleto fuck me boots. If I may say something positive about SACRED 2 : FALLEN ANGEL it’s that the voice overs are sometimes funny. My character would sometimes quip, in not terrible voice acting: “Oooooh a kobold, I’m sooooo scared…” I would laugh and agree. “Yes Anita, we shall dispatch of him rather easily!”

Eventually though I realized all you do is hold down CIRCLE and walk around, occasionally hitting RIGHT for a health potion. It’s sub-retarded gameplay but sometimes sub-retarded is reaching for me, so I stuck with it. I ran countless errands for all the lazy motherfuckers in Ancaria. There wasn’t a rat in a sewer that I didn’t kill or a letter I didn’t deliver (again the people of Ancaria are EXTREMELY LAZY and will send you on an endless amount of bullshit “side quests” if you’re foolish enough to speak to them).

The game became too stupid, even for me, and I put it down.

A month or two later I suffered one in a long line of nervous breakdowns. It was a perfect time to pick up SACRED 2: FALLEN ANGEL again. The disc was still in the PS3 after all. I decided the lazy fucking people of Ancaria could shove it and deliver their own mail and that I, a mighty, inappropriately dressed female bringer of righteousness and death, would save the world. Heaven knows the lazy useless motherfuckers aren’t going to save it themselves.

The huge world of Ancaria is depicted in a lovely map when you hit SELECT. This map is dim in the unexplored areas. When I was first playing I carefully explored all the nooks and crannies of the elven realms. It somehow delighted me, lighting up everywhere I could tread. Anita: a torch bringing hope to the dim world of Ancaria.

As I played the second time around, determined to slog right through it, the map became a criss cross of A to B lines. I would literally run (or sometimes ride on horseback) through hundreds of enemies, ignorning them all, to get to the next main quest point. And if I saw citizens of Ancaria, lazy ones with question marks above their heads, I rode past shouting “I’M DEAF MOTHERFUCKER! I’M DEAAAAAF!!!!”

And really, what would the point be of stopping for each horde of enemies and using my strategy (HOLD DOWN CIRCLE) to destroy them all? You don’t even have to point in the direction of the enemies. It does it all for you. I mean it, you just hold down circle and watch them fall, dropping loads and loads of shitty clubs and spears and dreadful pieces of armor that you wouldn’t be caught dead in.

In one section, fighting FOG, the PS3 is really chugging and you cannot tell what is going on. But you just keep an eye on your life meter and hit RIGHT every time it takes a dip, holding down CIRCLE all the while. No one can stop YOU + CIRCLE. Not FOG, not anybody. By the way the FOG monster (you get to fight it several times!) lives in the SWAMP. Yes, there is a SWAMP, a FOREST, a DESERT…. the developers really went all out in creating an imaginative wonderland for you to explore.

Let’s see, what else was shitty.

So I’d say it took around 10 hours for me to plow through the main quest. This was mainly spent traveling from A to B, hordes of too slow monsters chasing behind me. It was like a hideous parade, led by a beautiful pornstar. The internet is kind of like that. I began to wish Anita had a helicopter. Most games like this you eventually get a balloon or some kind of shit to take away a bit of the tedious factor. Not so in SACRED 2: FALLEN ANGEL! And the stupid fucking horses barely go any faster than you just running.

At the end of the game you end up in a FUTURE SPACESHIP LOOKING ENVIRONMENT (so creative! salary raises for all the genius developers! ooops, we’re bankrupt!) and you fight THE NAMELESS GUARDIAN (tip: HOLD DOWN CIRCLE and PRESS RIGHT A LOT). Well actually you fight FOUR nameless guardians… and no, this isn’t Phantasy Star or any other awesome RPG where the first beast goes down and then erupts into a more awesome, more dangerous beast, probably with more arms and his face all fucked up. No no, my friends, you fight four of the exact same motherfucker. The very last one might have been slighty larger, I’m not sure.

After this you press a button on a FUTURISTIC CONSOLE and are treated to the worst ending I can remember since STRIDER for the sega genesis.