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but if it came down to you or me, you better belief it would be me.

Friendless, and with an empty house, I decided to venture out and buy Modern Warfare 2. After all, all the kids are doing it. But as I walked down the aisles of my local 24hr Tesco my inner voice began to talk to me.

“Yes, your ‘pretend friends’ are indeed playing it, but let’s not forget..they are in their 20s…YOU are nearly 40 fucking years old. You sad cunt of a bald headed man, what were you thinking? Sneaking about like Nosferatu? Creeping around the kiddies aisle looking for silly fucking games? Shouldn’t you have kids of your own by now?”

The voice stopped, I’d found the PS3 section. Excited teenagers where behind me, picking up those lime green XBOX360 copies of the game. I could feel euphoria building up throughout my ageing, gangly, body. But excitement soon gave way to confusion…where was it? Confusion invited Despair out for a drink, there were no copies for PS3. A cheap cardboard sign then caught my bloodshot eyes,  ‘Modern Warfare 2: PS3 Out November 10th’. Slowly, I deflated, as the realization hit me, Tesco’s is fucking shit…and wont have it in for PS3 for another fortnight.

I was now perspiring wildly, it seems my ’sneak’ had been more of an excited sprint. Breathing heavily I pushed my way through the hordes of fresh faced children, like the wrong man, in the wrong restrainment area. Pitiful, pathetic, a lonely, sad, wretchedly bald man.

I did as I always do when life goes wrong in such a dramatic fashion, I went to the beer aisle and picked up 10 cans, I went to the frozen food aisle and picked up a four cheese pizza, then on to the crisps aisle for Pringles and peanuts. Followed by a scuttle to pay, so that I could get out from under those horrible halogen lights that bounce off my head, out into the gutter, where I belong.

As I walked along the row of tills I realized I could make an even speedier exit by going to the ‘10 items or less’ cashier. Even though I had 10 beers I felt that those were classed as only 4 items, max…as 2×4 were in packs. I was worrying over this when I came briskly to my senses to note the cashier. A vision of beauty, Ophelia, Venus, Salome, and now the girl on checkout 11 at my local Tesco. A vision, a muse! I realized then that 10 cans of beer and a frozen pizza didn’t look very good. Had I known such a beauty was working the tills I could have made my purchases more wisely.

“HIYA”

She said, as I stumbled and ungraciously threw my cans on the counter. I ignored her nervously and shuffled past to the collection point. On grabbing my beer I put both packs into a plastic carrier bag, but the bag broke, and the cans fell in slow motion…hitting the floor and exploding one of them all over the beige tiles. I quickly bent down and tried to cover the mess (my life), picking up the other cans as fast as I could.

“DO YOU HAVE A TESCO CARD?”

Came the soft voice from above, and as I slowly rose to meet her eyes I imagine my pink domed head looked like the birth of a really large egg from a Hens arse. Bobbing about below the till line, like a giant fucking uni-tit, without a nipple.

“No, I dont”
I reached up to collect my change from the glorious being, then shuffled on my knees…out of the way of the next customer. And kept crawling until I reached the exit.